Bad daughter.

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday, so she asked if we could sit down as a family and all eat dinner together since we don't do that anymore. My dad made a ton of spaghetti and meatballs and got bakery-fresh Italian bread and parmesan cheese. So I make myself a small salad (about a handful of lettuce, shredded carrots, and radish with red wine vinegar) and two vegetarian chicken nuggets. When my mom sees this, she just goes, "Oh... you're not eating pasta?" And I'm like, "No I told Dad earlier that I didn't want any. Are you mad?" And she says, "No, I just... you... mumble mumble mumble." The look on her face and the tone of her voice made me want to cry throughout the whole meal. So we all ate and then my brother brings out a small cake that he got for her and we sing and they eat the cake. And I didn't. Because I am so fucking concerned with being fat and gaining weight. I couldn't even eat birthday cake for my mom. I feel like such a shitty daughter.


I Im apart of the community and i want to tell a bit about my self....
Age:15 (16 in october)
ED:Anoerexia,Over use of laxitives,and over bingeing. (i dont think that makes any sence but w/e)
History of ED (how it started, how long you've had it, and how you feel about it at this point)
What you're hoping to get out of this community: Hmm...this all started about what maybe since i was 10.I wouldn't eat for days and then it started to hit me that i was not skinny,and i needed to be. I was in ballet and the pressure to be thin was outgraous. The teachers didnt inforce it,it was just  looking at the other girls seeing how graceful and thin they where,made me sick. And i started to over eat cause i was so upset. I truthfully thought i would never be dragged into this. I thought "No,i will not be obsessed with my weight."HAHAH.thats funny. All i really had to do was look at my mom.She had been struggling with her weight her whole life,but she never had an ED.I also became obsessed with cals and taking Laxitives.I take them now more than ever. I only took them mabye once or twice then.(from ages 11-14)Now i take them alot i abuse them. Now i feel like i want help and needed but i dont want to because i have a feeling ill just end up back here.
Anything else you'd like to tell us:Uh nope i think thats it...:D
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(no subject)

This thought just crossed my mind: there are thousands of starving people in the world, especially children, who have no means of buying or at least obtaining food, even the smallest amount to keep them alive. And here I am, selfish fucking fat pig, bingeing and purging like it's nobody's business, wasting mass amounts of food that, in theory, a starving child might eat. Fuck that. I'm not doing this anymore. I'd feel nothing but guilt. I will either eat "normally" or nothing at all.

IDK... thoughts?