Ducky (peppermintcum) wrote in ban_w_anaz,

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ok wow

Ok. Lemme break it down. I hate this. What i've become. The fasting the bingeing and fasting again.It's sicking. It's not healthy and either way im not happy. I tired on my clothes i bought the other day I look awful.A big bulgde of fat hangs over my size 8 Jeans. (Ok well its not huge but to be its not acpetable.)I've let my self go! I rember in 8th grade i lost so much weight,in the healthy way(diet and exsersie.) and i was so happy. But then summer rolled along and my dad come home for the summer and i started eating fatty foods again. Then once school started again i started counting cals and fasting i would feel so good. So then id binge. And about ten mins after i feel bad. 
My dad stresses my puts alot but i think im the one who puts the most stress on myself. I think "Oh,ill do better tommrow." I get upset and binge until a monday or saturday rolls around fast for 3 days and on the 4th i think"Hmmm i did really well ill eat a little something" and end up bingeing again. I get upset and the whole thing starts all over again. 
I cant take it anymore. I want to be happy and healthy. I eat junk food and it does nothing but make me fell like crap and depressed. And i really dont want to have to take my Zoloft to make me better. I just want to feel good about my self again!
I dont think Socitiy and "Thin is in" did it to me, i did this to my self. All the 'fat' that is on me reminds me why im depressed. and why i need to be healthy. I just want to be at a healthy weight. I dont want to be stick thin(not anymore i dont) I want to enjoy life,cause being upset about my weight is wasting my time! I wanted control over my eatting when in reality it took control over me. And i just want to look in the mirror and be happy. And yeah i know we all look in the mirror and sometimes think 'eww!' but life is to short to be worrying about how you look. And im not talking about makeup im talking about being thin. I guess what im trying to say is ,is that i love my body and i dont want to harm it anymore. Im going to work out and eat healthy.I want to be confident and happy!!!!

Srry i was uber ranting but i have been holding this in for months....

 Love Amber

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