Tulip. (taintedxtulip) wrote in ban_w_anaz,

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i cant hold it in anymore. it fucking hurts.

i fucking hate this. i purged this afternoon. until there was nothing left but stomach acid and water. and its like i broke down a dam. i want to keep purging. i dont want to stop. i had dinner and i can hardly keep it down- i'm still nauseous. 

i want to find my fucking vicodin bottle. i want to have the whole thing, pass out, and end up in hell. coz i swear to fucking god hell cant possibly be worse than this. i had a fucking stick of celery with a tablespoon of peanutbutter- and i thought i was going to die. fuck. fuck. fuck. and then my mum wanted me eating a proper dinner. so tofu salad and the meat of a boca burger with a little avacado. and now i feel like im going to puke my brains out. i want to so fucking bad.

why is this so fucking hard? why can't i be "in control". why am i clinging to life, when i want death. and yet clinging to the thought of death, in order to stay alive?

fuck. i need vicodin. i need to purge. i need chris. but most of all, i just need to know that i'm not alone, and that someone care.

i feel so fucking alone.
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